so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
