Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
