Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need to calm my uterus...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
