Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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