I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
