Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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