If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
A+ Viking dick
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
