totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
