I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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