I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
