you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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