How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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