This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
