Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Less talking, more tequila
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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