What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
