Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
