i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
