My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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