based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
