So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
