i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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