why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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