so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
