Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
