Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
