i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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