Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
