We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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