I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
