I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
