we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
