I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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