Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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