Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
