dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
