I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
