i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
