maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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