just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
