I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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