I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
