So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
