He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
