Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
