I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
