Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
