you have to choose: penises or morals?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just gift wrapped bread.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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