Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
