Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
