I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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