I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
