I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
