I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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