The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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